Date file: The Big Guy

February/March 2019

So I had just moved into my own place and then I was fired.

What the actual fuck.

As I reeled and wondered what the hell I would be doing with my life, I avoided my pain, confusion and fear by talking to men who wanted to tell me how hot I was.

That’s when I met James. He and I chatted in the week leading up to my moving out and being fired. When I told him I had been fired, he asked me if he could take me out to lunch. Well, shit, I certainly wasn’t doing anything else with my time, so why not. I knew that he was over 6 feet tall because I had set my filters to only show me guys at least that tall. I didn’t know just HOW tall he was.

6 freaking 9.

Now, I’m not shrimpy. I’m 5’8″ and I love my stilettos. But DAMN that’s tall.

When I walked into the restaurant, he was already there. He stood up and hugged me. My head came up to the bottom of his sternum.

He wore a black pea coat, dark jeans, and polished black shoes. His blonde hair is carefully combed, and he has nice blue eyes. When he sat down, our height difference was not nearly as apparent. We talked a little bit about my firing, but we talked more about our kids (he has a 12 year old son) and got to know more background information about each other. Lo and behold, we went to the same high school! He graduated the year before I became a freshman, so we were never on campus at the same time. But we found a few other bizarre similarities and the lunch hour passed quickly. Soon it was time for him to return to work so he hugged me again and said, “I’d really like to take you out again sometime.”

“I’d like that very much.”

“Good. Let’s talk soon.”

I went home and tried to continue to reorient my life. I decided that afternoon that I was going to go visit my sister in NY. What the fuck else was I going to do with my time? Surprisingly, a ticket to NY in the next couple of weeks was less than $150, so I jumped on it, and notified her I would be coming in a little over two weeks. We were thrilled.

The next week was going to be spring break. James was planning on taking his son out of town for a father/son trip and wanted to take me out again before he left. I said that would be fine. Originally we planned to go out Friday, but on Wednesday, he texted me asking what was I doing.

“I’m working with a private client right now and I managed to get a few more clients. Will be doing this contract work until 10.”

“What about after that?”

“After?? Uhh… idk, nothing, I guess.”

“Want to grab a drink?”

“Um, sure. You ok with drinking that late? I don’t have to get up that early tomorrow…”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

So we agree to meet at the bar down the street from me. He gets to the bar first, and I saddle up in the barstool next to him. He asks me how my contract work was going and I said fine, but obviously it wasn’t a full time paycheck like I was used to. But something was better than nothing. We talk more about my work goals and other polite small talk and then I order something.

“Jack and Diet Coke, please”

“Wow, you don’t mess around”

“I mean…. if I’m gonna drink, I might as well make it count.”

“You wanna know something funny? I’m a total lightweight.”

“… what? You’re 6’9″!”

“Yeah, I know, it makes no sense, but two drinks and I’m DONE. I get totally silly. It’s bizarre.”

So we laugh and drink and talk some more. I find out he went to freaking YALE on a FULL RIDE. I also find out he’s relatively successful, also invests in real estate like me, and has very similar views on parenting. By this point, we’ve each had a couple of drinks and are feeling loose. We ask for the food menu.

Oh. Kitchen closed at 11. Fuck.

But the pizza place down the street serves until 2 AM, so we tab out and meander down the street to try to fix our buzzed brains and bodies. We split a pizza and sober up a bit. I decide to continue to drink because I literally live a half mile away. I ask if he’d be willing to drive me home and I’ll just walk back in the morning to get my car. He agrees. After pizza, he starts to walk me back to his car, and he leans (er, rather, bends) over to kiss me. It’s a pretty excellent kiss. We continue walking over to his car and get in. I lean over to kiss him and it starts to become more aggressive.

“Wow you’re a good kisser”

“Well, thanks. You’re not so bad yourself. Would you like to come over for a bit?”

“Absolutely”

Once we get inside the door, I look down and realize just how giant his feet are.

“What size shoe do you wear?”

“16”

And then things move very quickly. He is a former college athlete and is an avid rower, so he’s in excellent shape. I go to the bathroom, and remove all my clothes except my bra and panties. When I open the door, he stares at me.

“Oh my god”

I realize he’s also stripped down to his underwear. I flick off the lamp and he pulls me into bed. We make our way under the covers and start making out and getting handsy. After several minutes he says, “I want to show you something” and I realized he’s now naked. He puts my hand on his cock.

Holy. Shit.

It’s like the size of Pringles can.

I don’t even see it. The lights are off, I’m kinda drunk, and I’m just going by feel. But it is clearly gigantic.

And it feels amazing.

I’ve been told that guys with big dicks can be lazy. But he was not. I wouldn’t say it was the best sex of my life. Not at all. But it certainly wasn’t bad. It was definitely better than average.

The next morning he wakes up and takes me to my car. He kisses me again and says he wants to see me when he comes back from taking his son on their trip. I realize that by the time they come back, I’ll be getting ready to leave for NY.

“Well, then call me when you get back from NY”

“Ok then. I’ll see you then. Have a great trip with your son!”

“Have a great trip with your sister”

I don’t think about him much in the time leading up to my trip to NYC because honestly, I was thinking about all the fun I wanted to have with the men of New York. This was what online dating was made for, right?! Meet people easily in other places! And I was going to be in New York, without children, and single. I was DEFINITELY going to be making myself available for all the fun I wanted to have. I also realized I’d be there over St. Patrick’s day. Basically it would be 5 days of partying.

I changed my online profiles to reflect that I would be in NYC for a limited time. Went to NY. Had my fun (Date file NY edition will be coming up soon). Came back home.

When I came back, I texted the Big Guy. No answer. I messaged him on Tinder. No answer.

And then I realized he could see all the profile changes I had made about me being single and ready to mingle in NYC.

I don’t know if he was bothered by the fact I was on the prowl in NY. I dunno if he just didn’t like me as much as I thought he did. But whatever it was, I never heard from him again.

A rose by any other name

Hey guys. It’s been a hot minute. But I’ve been busy with stuff. So there’s my lame-ass non-apology apology.

So, when playing the online dating game, one can run into MANY different people. How to keep them all straight? Especially when you take your talking to the next level by moving them over to text. I know some guys would ask me for a picture of me so that would pop up when I called/texted, but I did better with words that would help me remember the guy. So I thought I’d share them with you.

*Note – even though these are pet names, I’ve still changed the first name to protect the (mostly) innocent*

Adam DILF

Andrew Meat Head

Alex Marketing

Aaron Model

Allen NY Lawyer

Andy Firefighter

Adam Seattle

Anthony Cuddles Bouncer

Brad Photographer

Billy Married with 3 Kids

Blake Jersey Boy

Bobby McFunnyFace

Brent Beard No Strings

Clint Utah Baseball

Chris Old School Gangster

Davis 6’5″ Weirdo

Dean Twins

Jared NY Dinosaur

John Paul Tattoo

Joe Frenchie

Jason Sapiosexual

Justin Soup

Kendall Travel and Swear

Kennedy Finland Douchebag

Liam PhD NY

Luke Corporate Wellness

Marc Realtor

Martin Austin

Matt NY Ginger

Michael Firefighter

Mike Jacket

Marty NoFx

Nate Beard

Nathan Nurse

Nick Nuclear Hockey

Nick Oil

Paul Video Games

Patrick Smile Tongue God

Phil Aetna

Rob Realtor Drunkass

Robert Bumble

Ryan ENTP

Ryan NY Boyfriend

Ryan Jersey McHotAbs

Ryan Tacos

Sam Cutie

Skyler Soccer Schizo

Steve Handsome

Simon British

Taylor Doctor

Travis Detroit

Tom Conductor Sad Dick

Tom Doctor

Todd Probably Autism

Tyler NY

Vince Mechanic

William Mambo Taxis

William Counselor

Zack No Kids

So as you can see some were just enough to remember what they did occupationally speaking, and some got pseudonyms based on what they did to me (good or bad).

Any other options for keeping these creeps straight?

Date file: Zombie – Part 3

February/March 2019

So I move into my house on a Friday. I sleep with Der Alma Mater on Saturday. And, I shit you not, I am fired from my day job on Monday. Out of the blue.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

I immediately start trying to get my house in order (literally and figuratively). I file for unemployment, find a low cost clinic to see to get my maintenance medications written, find a prescription club to buy those medications at a decent cost, and update my resume. I call my sister and tell her what happen. She’s shocked. I call my coworkers and tell them what happen. They are shocked. My whole world has been rocked.

The week goes by in a blur. I make plans to go visit my sister in NYC in a few weeks because what the fuck else am I going to do with my time. I continue to organize my new house and try to figure out how long I can live off my savings until I find a new job… or try to finally start my own business that I’ve been saying for a decade I would actually do.

Friday night rolls around and it’s the first time the kids will spend the night in my new place. I’ve worked all week trying to get their rooms organized enough where they won’t have to sleep in chaos. They manage to go down pretty quickly, and I just decide to watch TV alone in my living room, wondering what the fuck to do next.

Then I hear the WhatsApp notification.

Zombie: Hey beautiful, congrats on the house.

What fresh hell…. he’s unghosting me??

Me: Oh hey there stranger.

Zombie: How’s the new place?

Me: Oh it’s beautiful….. and I got fired on Monday.

Zombie:…. you did not. I am so sorry to hear that!

Me: Yeah well I think it’ll work out better in the end. Are you back in town?

Zombie: Yeah, just got back from Utah. I had the best time with my best friend! But I hate telling you that knowing your current situation…. I feel like an ass.

Me: Don’t feel bad for having a good time with your bestie because I’m having a shit time.

Zombie: Well, thanks but I still do. I think I need to make it up to you.

Me: Yeah? And what’s that look like?

Zombie: Well, how about starting with a hug and then deeply kissing you?

Me: Well, do you wanna come over?

Zombie: Tonight?!

Me: I mean, we’re clearly both awake. And I’m sorry I was a fucking basket case.

Zombie: Don’t apologize. I would love to see you. I’m sorry for just going silent. That was not fair to you.

Me: What happened?

Zombie: I’d rather explain in person….

So he comes over. He immediately starts kissing me and holding me tightly. I enjoy it for a moment then ask him what happened. He says that my whole situation was just too overwhelming for him. He didn’t know what to do and it was fucked up of him to just disappear and he was really sorry. I tell him that he can’t ghost me again. He says he won’t.

He’s concerned that there are kids in the house. I trained my children to sleep hard, and I just tell him that all parents have to fuck on the DL, we just need to keep quiet.

We go back to my room and can’t keep our hands off each other. We breathlessly tell one another that all we’ve been thinking about the past two weeks is fucking the other one, and as soon as we’re done with round 1, we lay there staring at the ceiling with goofy grins on both our faces. We talk about various other topics like his week skiing, my bullshit firing, and he hears me sing for the first time. He fills me in on his pregnant sister and how crazy his work has been lately. We drink wine and screw around some more. He tells me he wants to spend the night fucking me and have endless morning sex….. but I’ve got the kids.

Finally around 5 in the morning, he decides to leave. And 2 hours later, I’m woken up by my kids.

The next day he’s slated to see his best friend, but asks if he can see me Sunday or Monday. My sister has decided to come into town given how my life suddenly unraveled, so I’m occupied. We realized our schedules align for lunch on Thursday, so we make plans for that. Wednesday night rolls around and he tells me that his boss scheduled meetings back to back all day Thursday, so we’ll have to push to Friday. So that’s fine. We agree upon 11:30, and also agree to order in because we plan on being naked together the whole time. :::insert lots of witty sexual banter:::

Friday arrives. Around 10 AM, I text him to make sure 11:30 still works.

He reads it.

And looks at it.

And looks at it.

And looks at it.

And then, he’s gone.

His picture disappears. I send a text. One grey check mark. Sent, but not delivered.

I have been blocked.

Six weeks of talking, going out, sex, and general fun (8 weeks if you count the 2 weeks of silence) and he is gone. And not just gone. Blocked me on WhatsApp.

I text him from Hangouts, “did you just block me?! I thought we were cool now??”

I realize he’s also blocked me from IG… which like, I asked to follow him on several weeks back and he just never approved.

Fuck it hurts. It hurts SO MUCH. Why? Why did he do that? Why did he ghost, then reappear, and then disappear AGAIN?? And not just disappear, but BLOCK ME. What did I do wrong??

I feel erased.

I try SnapChatting him. He doesn’t approve my friend request. I deleted it after a day of being unanswered. A few weeks go by and I still think about him every day. I try FB messenger. But then I remember that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really do FB, and it’s kinda wonky about letting strangers send you messages, so I delete that too.

Finally after a month, I unmatch from him on Bumble and Tinder. To my surprise, he didn’t do it to me, but I felt like I had to detach.

Two more weeks go by. I send another friend request via SnapChat. Never is approved.

I cry more over this weirdness than I did the demise of my divorce. I feel silly and stupid and wonder why this is so fucking painful. I wonder what I did to deserve this. Why I spooked him. Why I can’t stop thinking about him.

What the actual fuck.

I research online to try to provide some answers.

“What’s worse than ghosting? The new trend in online dating – zombies”

Holy fucking shit. That is totally what happened. He ghosted me, then came back from the dead, and now he’s gone again. But I still can’t get over that he BLOCKED ME.

“New cruel online dating move – cloaking. Pretending you never existed by blocking you on all your social media.”

I have a hard time accepting this. He was different. He made me feel things because he was empathetic and emotionally intelligent. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that he would do something SO assinine and hurtful.

But it appears he did. And it appears I’ll never know why.

Outcomes:

2nd date: We saw each other several times

Sex: LOTS

Ghosting: Worse – Zombied and Cloaked.

Dating Apps – Pick your shitty poison

I have not paid for any dating apps or websites. Because I’m cheap AF (kids are expensive, ok?!). So I downloaded the ones that I thought might be acceptable. I knew enough from younger coworkers that Plenty of Fish (PoF) was just the lowest of the low. I wasn’t even about to fuck with that one. I consulted Google for “best dating apps of 2019” and settled on three: Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

I started with Hinge only because Hinge apparently has the reputation of attracting a higher calibur of men (I do have a master’s degree…. education snob, party of one). In this app, you can select a specific picture or piece of info they share that you like, and you can even comment on it (e.g. “Oh that’s the BEST karaoke song.” “You look great in that tux!”). Additionally, either person can start the conversation if you both like each other. For the most part, I would agree that I got less creepers on there than the other apps; however, unless you do the paid version, you only get a certain number of likes per day. So that kinda sucked. Also, it told me ALL men that liked me, not just the ones that I liked first. So there were a lot of times that I would get a notification of, “John likes you! See if you like him too!” only to see that John was not my type at all, and I would just unmatch, meaning John would never get a chance to talk to me, but he also clearly knew that I wasn’t interested. On the flip side, that hot rocket scientist clearly didn’t think I was a hot commodity either, as I never heard from him….

So anyway, Hinge was ok. Less creepers, but also less matches. However, I think the matches I did get were some of the best ones. Quality, not quantity, amiright?

Now for Bumble. The female-friendliest major dating app. So basically it’s the whole swipe left for no, swipe right for yes, dating thing, and when you get a match, it’s the woman’s job to start the convo. I am super extroverted, so no big for me. The thing I also really like about Bumble is that you can fill out some basic demographic information like height, political affiliation, religion, level of education, etc. Obviously the person filling it out is in charge of what they put, and some people put next to nothing, but I can also filter through these. For example, I’m pretty tall for a woman, and I love high heels so after going on a few date with like-heighted people, I realized I NEEDED my men to be at least 6 ft tall. So I put a filter on there saying I only wanted to see men who were 6 feet and over. Also, I am extreme liberal (in case you couldn’t tell), so making sure I filtered out the hardcore conservatives was nice to be able to do. The other category they have on there that I found useful was basically what the hell the person is wanting out of this app. Are you just looking for some fun, casual sex? Are you looking for your soul-mate? Yes, you could put that in your description, or you can just check the damn box they give you. That’s another way I could filter out men depending on what I was looking for (hey, sometimes I just wanted some hot sex with a young, good-looking dude. When the casual sex got old, I could filter out some of the ONS only guys). So yeah, liked the filters a LOT. Still got some overtly creepy dudes, but for the most part, those filters helped me know what I was potentially getting into. Also, you can send photos in their app, which is nice if you’re trying to be visually flirtatious without giving out your Snap, number, IG, or whatever.

And then, the granddaddy of app dating, Tinder. I also lovingly call it the Tinderverse, and alternative universe where seemingly normal humans act like total hedonistic crazies. Not to say I haven’t taken advantage of that (hello, on vacation and single!), but this is not the place I would put my money to find my next serious relationship. Hot sex, sure. Mostly total horndogs who would rather skip the whole drinks or coffee thing and just go straight to the bedroom. Which again, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT if that’s what you’re looking for. Things I don’t like about Tinder… oh God, where to begin… you can’t really filter by any type of information. People can makeup pretty much whatever they want and use whatever images they want (I see you, penis disguised as a drawing). I’ve seen everything on there from men being earnest in trying to find the next love of their life to Cookie Monster trying to get a date.

No really. The blue puppet with a bio that say “me like cookies.” I’m tellin’ ya, anything flies.

Also, I don’t like that you can’t exchange photos of any kind. In Bumble, when you exchange a photo, it’s blurred out until you click on it. So if you’re afraid it’s an unsolicited dick pic, don’t open it. There’s no option for anything on Tinder. So it’s either take a risk and give them more personal information, or don’t do any additional photo sharing. Additionally, the Tinderverse is MUCH more diverse than the other apps, I’m guessing because it’s the most well known? So there are more…. men of a lower status on there. I don’t know how to say that without sound judgey and horrible, so I’m just gonna put it out there. So lots of guys that from the looks of things do not have their shit together in any shape or fashion. Again as a mom, a business woman, and someone with education, I have a certain level of expectations for my mate, and there’s just more men that I personally wouldn’t choose on there. You can judge that from what they do (or don’t) write on their bios, the pics they choose to share, whatever. There’s just more of them. Ex: by the time I had been on Tinder for 2 weeks, it notified me that I had FIVE THOUSAND likes. 5,000. What the what? I didn’t even know there where that many single men in my area, much less ones that wanted to bang me.

So, all in all, I think if I had to pick the lesser of the evils, Bumble is my go to choice. If Hinge had more users, I might be inclined to pick that, but I often run out of options quickly there. Additionally, these all have options where you can pay for more features like more filters or bumping up your visibility in your area. But I’m cheap, so I don’t pay for those. And right now, I’m still just exploring my options, so I’m not especially goal oriented in my search.

If there’s another super awesome app out there, lmk! And for free, bc remember, I gotta feed these kids.

I’d like to bend you over my countertop

Online dating is interesting. You both know why you’re there. Sex, minimally. A relationship where you spend the rest of your time together on this planet, maximally. And I say sex is the minimum because let’s be real: if you think about the spectrum of relationships with zero being “we’re only here to satisfy our animalistic urges” and 100 being “we’re hear to find our lobster,” I think casual sex is zero. Even if you’re not one to do the “casual sex” thing, if you plan on dating someone, you eventually plan on fucking them, amiright? So yeah, that’s where I get that scale of measurement.

Back in the day, our online interactions typically started out with “a/s/l.” If you don’t know what that means, you’re probably not old enough to really appreciate this blog. Get TF out.

Anywho, starting out a conversation online can be awkward. Some people think that a simple “hi” is too boring. “If you just say, “hi,” I’ll unmatch.” (except without the punctuation, bc no one cares about that shit). The pressure is on to make a good first impression. But, bc I’m a member of the IDGAF camp, I typically just do a simple, casual salutation last most normal humans would have when interacting with people IRL.

Hi, how’s it going? (insert demure smiley emoji here)

Happy Friday! Any fun plans for the weekend?

Hey, did you do anything fun this weekend?

Etc…..

Sometimes, if I’m particularly interested in a person, I’ll reference something in their profile or something about their looks

Hey there, handsome. How’s your day?

Wow you have beautiful eyes! (insert heart eyed emoji)

Hey! I love to karaoke too!! Where do you normally go?

But it’s been my experience… especially on Tinder, as the men can message me first, that they are a bit more forward. Very rarely do I get a simple hello. Below are real life beginnings of conversations (as in literally the first thing they say to me) from the Tinderverse:

Hey so are we meeting up soon?

You look like trouble

Wanna come hang out?

Here for a good time MILF?

You have some really sexy feet.

HOLY HOT!!! Wanna take a test to see how naughty you are??

Sex?

And then my personal favorite….

Hey there! I’d like to bend you over my countertop and take you from behind

Lord Jesus. Help me. And I’m not even religious.

The thing I would love to know from these men is how often do they actually get women with these lines? Do they work? Are they keeping track of how often they work? When they don’t work, what do they think is going on?

Now, to be fair, many, MANY men start out with simple, normal greetings. But like I said, the dating universe has a normal bell curve distribution of how people interact with each other, including the beginning of the interaction. Let me do you a solid, fellas. I’m here to tel ya, there ain’t nothin wrong or boring about you simply saying hello. If you want to compliment me on my looks (or better yet, my sparkling personality bc that means you actually READ about me!), then do so in a charming, not creepy, way. If I eventually decide I’m into you, we can have a discussion about you tagging me on your countertop then. Bc it’s not that I don’t like that…. just don’t lead with that line.