Date file: The PhD

December 2018

I had had a good time with the traveling salesman, but he had now flown back home and who knew when or if I would see him again. Exhusband and I had already planned to be in separate places for the weekend, with him taking the kids and me going to an all girls Christmas party. Which meant I also had a lot of additional free time on my hands. So off to Bumble I went to see if anyone wanted to help me occupy my time.

I am a sapsiosexual. In case you don’t know what that is, it means I’m turned on by intelligence. I don’t care how hot a guy is, if he’s as dumb as a box of rocks, I can’t fuck him much less date him. Same goes for Republicans (sorry not sorry).

So when I come across the blonde haired blue-eyed PhD in mathmatics candidate at the premier university in my city, my heart beat started to speed up.

We match and immediately hit it off. To my suprise he wants to actually talk to me on the phone (people still do that??). So I give him my number and we chat and shamelessly flirst and he doesn’t keep me on the phone past half an hour because he says he wants to have more to talk to me about when he takes me out tomorrow.

The next day we meet at a Mexican restaurant that has a fancy rooftop bar and fabulous margaritas. I plan on heading to my girls Christmas party right after, so I’m a little extra festive looking. I have on a slouchy sparkly black sweater and bright red lipstick. As soon as I see him I feel tingly all over. I basically want to jump on him at the bar. We quickly drink two drinks each and keep inching closer and closer together. I admit that I a drunk and shouldn’t drive. We both agree that we are done being at the bar, so one of us (I honestly don’t remember who) suggests we go back to his place. We casually chat the whole way there in his car and while we walk across his apartment complex. His apartment is modest and giant textbooks litter the floor. He has one small string of Christmas lights around his patio door. I comment on his festive decorations and he leans in to kiss me.

And in less than 90 seconds we are both naked as jaybirds writhing on top of each other on his couch.

PhD: Bedroom?
Me: Yes, please.

This is the third man I sleep with post divorce. It is the first penis that is noticeably different than the others.

While I was married, I forgot that my husband was rather well endowed. He was the 10th man I slept with, so I had some experience with others, but not like I had seen a ton in person. And I figure porn is a poor representation because it’s primarily all fantasy anyway. I doubt they higher many porn stars with average pensises.

Anyway, I digress.

PhD is not as long, but boy does he make up for it in girth.

He makes my body do things I didn’t know it could do. I soak the sheets he makes me so wet. He comments on my vocalizations (they ALL do). We fuck so hard, we fuck the sheets completely off the bed. We go three rounds and eventually we realize it’s dark outside. My party started well over an hour and a half ago.

He looks to see if his face is covered in my lipstick. It’s not, but his neck has about 20 hickeys all over it. Oops.

He drives me back to my car, and kisses me until we have to pull away from each other. He asks when he can see me again. I tell him I have to look at my schedule, but I think I can see him in 4 days.

When I arrive at my party, it’s practically over. And I realize my sweater is on backwards.

Four days later he and I have been continuously texting back and forth. I’m trying to play it cool because I actually like him. I try to make sure he initiates the conversations to know that he is genuinely interested in me. When the day of potential sex arrives, I text to confirm we’re still going to meet up.

PhD: So… about that… I don’t know if I can
Me: Oh, did something come up?
PhD: No, I just… I know this sounds weird, but I kinda have a hard time being ok with random, unattached sex.
Me: Oh. Well… I literally just got divorced so….
PhD: Yeah, no, I know, I’m not asking for anything more but I just like… I think I need some more time before we do this again.
Me: But you want to fuck me again?
PhD: Yes, absolutely.

So we wait a litte longer. We continue to flirt and sext and generally keep each other updated about various on goings in our day to day lives. About a week later, he says he’s ready for another round. We look at our schedules and find a date and time. When the date arrives, I text him again asking where he wants to meet.

PhD: So, I’m really sorry, but I can’t do this.
Me: I thought you were cool now?
PhD: Yeah, but…. I just don’t think I’m that into you.

I feel heat wash over me and my face flush. I’m at work. I will not cry at work. I can think of almost nothing more embarrassing.

Me: You don’t even want to be fuck buddies?
PhD: You would still want to even after I told you I’m not that into you?
Me: I mean… we had great sex
PhD: Yes, we did…
Me: So maybe we can… you know what. No. It’s fine.
PhD: It’s fine?
Me: Yes. It’s fine. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to convince people to like me and if you don’t, then you don’t. So. Yeah. It’s fine. Thank you for your honesty.

And I go out to my car and cry.

Outcomes:
2nd date: No
Sex: Yes
Ghosting: No, but he essentially “broke up” with me, for lack of a better term

I’m the kinda girl who kisses (and more) on the first date

Y’all. Being an adult rocks. In case you are younger and thinking, “I don’t want to adult!”…..

Yes, child, yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.

Yeah, adulting includes alarm clocks, and bills, and chores. But you know what, it also includes doing whatever TF you want and as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, power to ya. Including giving zero fucks about what others think about your sexual partners – who they are or how many there are or what you’re doing with them.

When you’re younger, it’s pretty damn easy for word to get around about who’s “easy” and who’s not. Your dating pool is pretty much restricted to your school or your extra curricular activities, and those are pretty small populations in the grand scheme of things. And people can’t keep their damn traps shut about other peoples’ business.

But as an adult? No one fucking cares. And there are SO MANY of us… unless you are still picking your sex partners from your small group of friends (which, awkward, don’t do that), the likelihood of people knowing who you are or aren’t hooking up with is slim to none.

Here’s the other thing, folks: as an adult (and especially as a parent), I do not have time to fuck around (literally and figuratively) with people who are bad at sex. I will give you two tries. Because fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I kid!

Kinda.

But seriously, maybe the first time you have jitters or you weren’t psyched up appropriately for it or whatever. Unless it is just TRULY terrible, I’ll give you another shot.

But if we go for another attempt and you still can’t get your Johnson to get up to bat…. sorry, bub, thanks for playing, best of luck to you.

Because here’s the thing – I don’t want to get heavily emotionally invested in someone who can’t crank my motor. So I wanna know from the get-go if we’re sexually compatible.

Now, to be fair, my ex-husband was a virgin when we met (WHICH HE LIED ABOUT! More on that later…), and we ended up being fine, for the most part. I never had a problem, he never had a problem, and if we did, it was just an off day, not an off component of us as a couple.

But as someone older, who knows what she wants, I ain’t got time to be teaching you how to make me scream. You can start out as average, even kinda weak, but if you can’t improve your game over time, let’s not drag this out. Because whether our sexually repressive society wants to admit it or not, sex is a HUGE part of successful relationships and they’re an important part to the human existence.

So if you get laid on our first date, that doesn’t make you a stud, or make me easy – I’m just practical, and I know I wanna take a test drive before I buy.

Dating Apps – Pick your shitty poison

I have not paid for any dating apps or websites. Because I’m cheap AF (kids are expensive, ok?!). So I downloaded the ones that I thought might be acceptable. I knew enough from younger coworkers that Plenty of Fish (PoF) was just the lowest of the low. I wasn’t even about to fuck with that one. I consulted Google for “best dating apps of 2019” and settled on three: Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

I started with Hinge only because Hinge apparently has the reputation of attracting a higher calibur of men (I do have a master’s degree…. education snob, party of one). In this app, you can select a specific picture or piece of info they share that you like, and you can even comment on it (e.g. “Oh that’s the BEST karaoke song.” “You look great in that tux!”). Additionally, either person can start the conversation if you both like each other. For the most part, I would agree that I got less creepers on there than the other apps; however, unless you do the paid version, you only get a certain number of likes per day. So that kinda sucked. Also, it told me ALL men that liked me, not just the ones that I liked first. So there were a lot of times that I would get a notification of, “John likes you! See if you like him too!” only to see that John was not my type at all, and I would just unmatch, meaning John would never get a chance to talk to me, but he also clearly knew that I wasn’t interested. On the flip side, that hot rocket scientist clearly didn’t think I was a hot commodity either, as I never heard from him….

So anyway, Hinge was ok. Less creepers, but also less matches. However, I think the matches I did get were some of the best ones. Quality, not quantity, amiright?

Now for Bumble. The female-friendliest major dating app. So basically it’s the whole swipe left for no, swipe right for yes, dating thing, and when you get a match, it’s the woman’s job to start the convo. I am super extroverted, so no big for me. The thing I also really like about Bumble is that you can fill out some basic demographic information like height, political affiliation, religion, level of education, etc. Obviously the person filling it out is in charge of what they put, and some people put next to nothing, but I can also filter through these. For example, I’m pretty tall for a woman, and I love high heels so after going on a few date with like-heighted people, I realized I NEEDED my men to be at least 6 ft tall. So I put a filter on there saying I only wanted to see men who were 6 feet and over. Also, I am extreme liberal (in case you couldn’t tell), so making sure I filtered out the hardcore conservatives was nice to be able to do. The other category they have on there that I found useful was basically what the hell the person is wanting out of this app. Are you just looking for some fun, casual sex? Are you looking for your soul-mate? Yes, you could put that in your description, or you can just check the damn box they give you. That’s another way I could filter out men depending on what I was looking for (hey, sometimes I just wanted some hot sex with a young, good-looking dude. When the casual sex got old, I could filter out some of the ONS only guys). So yeah, liked the filters a LOT. Still got some overtly creepy dudes, but for the most part, those filters helped me know what I was potentially getting into. Also, you can send photos in their app, which is nice if you’re trying to be visually flirtatious without giving out your Snap, number, IG, or whatever.

And then, the granddaddy of app dating, Tinder. I also lovingly call it the Tinderverse, and alternative universe where seemingly normal humans act like total hedonistic crazies. Not to say I haven’t taken advantage of that (hello, on vacation and single!), but this is not the place I would put my money to find my next serious relationship. Hot sex, sure. Mostly total horndogs who would rather skip the whole drinks or coffee thing and just go straight to the bedroom. Which again, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT if that’s what you’re looking for. Things I don’t like about Tinder… oh God, where to begin… you can’t really filter by any type of information. People can makeup pretty much whatever they want and use whatever images they want (I see you, penis disguised as a drawing). I’ve seen everything on there from men being earnest in trying to find the next love of their life to Cookie Monster trying to get a date.

No really. The blue puppet with a bio that say “me like cookies.” I’m tellin’ ya, anything flies.

Also, I don’t like that you can’t exchange photos of any kind. In Bumble, when you exchange a photo, it’s blurred out until you click on it. So if you’re afraid it’s an unsolicited dick pic, don’t open it. There’s no option for anything on Tinder. So it’s either take a risk and give them more personal information, or don’t do any additional photo sharing. Additionally, the Tinderverse is MUCH more diverse than the other apps, I’m guessing because it’s the most well known? So there are more…. men of a lower status on there. I don’t know how to say that without sound judgey and horrible, so I’m just gonna put it out there. So lots of guys that from the looks of things do not have their shit together in any shape or fashion. Again as a mom, a business woman, and someone with education, I have a certain level of expectations for my mate, and there’s just more men that I personally wouldn’t choose on there. You can judge that from what they do (or don’t) write on their bios, the pics they choose to share, whatever. There’s just more of them. Ex: by the time I had been on Tinder for 2 weeks, it notified me that I had FIVE THOUSAND likes. 5,000. What the what? I didn’t even know there where that many single men in my area, much less ones that wanted to bang me.

So, all in all, I think if I had to pick the lesser of the evils, Bumble is my go to choice. If Hinge had more users, I might be inclined to pick that, but I often run out of options quickly there. Additionally, these all have options where you can pay for more features like more filters or bumping up your visibility in your area. But I’m cheap, so I don’t pay for those. And right now, I’m still just exploring my options, so I’m not especially goal oriented in my search.

If there’s another super awesome app out there, lmk! And for free, bc remember, I gotta feed these kids.

I’d like to bend you over my countertop

Online dating is interesting. You both know why you’re there. Sex, minimally. A relationship where you spend the rest of your time together on this planet, maximally. And I say sex is the minimum because let’s be real: if you think about the spectrum of relationships with zero being “we’re only here to satisfy our animalistic urges” and 100 being “we’re hear to find our lobster,” I think casual sex is zero. Even if you’re not one to do the “casual sex” thing, if you plan on dating someone, you eventually plan on fucking them, amiright? So yeah, that’s where I get that scale of measurement.

Back in the day, our online interactions typically started out with “a/s/l.” If you don’t know what that means, you’re probably not old enough to really appreciate this blog. Get TF out.

Anywho, starting out a conversation online can be awkward. Some people think that a simple “hi” is too boring. “If you just say, “hi,” I’ll unmatch.” (except without the punctuation, bc no one cares about that shit). The pressure is on to make a good first impression. But, bc I’m a member of the IDGAF camp, I typically just do a simple, casual salutation last most normal humans would have when interacting with people IRL.

Hi, how’s it going? (insert demure smiley emoji here)

Happy Friday! Any fun plans for the weekend?

Hey, did you do anything fun this weekend?

Etc…..

Sometimes, if I’m particularly interested in a person, I’ll reference something in their profile or something about their looks

Hey there, handsome. How’s your day?

Wow you have beautiful eyes! (insert heart eyed emoji)

Hey! I love to karaoke too!! Where do you normally go?

But it’s been my experience… especially on Tinder, as the men can message me first, that they are a bit more forward. Very rarely do I get a simple hello. Below are real life beginnings of conversations (as in literally the first thing they say to me) from the Tinderverse:

Hey so are we meeting up soon?

You look like trouble

Wanna come hang out?

Here for a good time MILF?

You have some really sexy feet.

HOLY HOT!!! Wanna take a test to see how naughty you are??

Sex?

And then my personal favorite….

Hey there! I’d like to bend you over my countertop and take you from behind

Lord Jesus. Help me. And I’m not even religious.

The thing I would love to know from these men is how often do they actually get women with these lines? Do they work? Are they keeping track of how often they work? When they don’t work, what do they think is going on?

Now, to be fair, many, MANY men start out with simple, normal greetings. But like I said, the dating universe has a normal bell curve distribution of how people interact with each other, including the beginning of the interaction. Let me do you a solid, fellas. I’m here to tel ya, there ain’t nothin wrong or boring about you simply saying hello. If you want to compliment me on my looks (or better yet, my sparkling personality bc that means you actually READ about me!), then do so in a charming, not creepy, way. If I eventually decide I’m into you, we can have a discussion about you tagging me on your countertop then. Bc it’s not that I don’t like that…. just don’t lead with that line.