Date file: Zombie – Part 3

February/March 2019

So I move into my house on a Friday. I sleep with Der Alma Mater on Saturday. And, I shit you not, I am fired from my day job on Monday. Out of the blue.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

I immediately start trying to get my house in order (literally and figuratively). I file for unemployment, find a low cost clinic to see to get my maintenance medications written, find a prescription club to buy those medications at a decent cost, and update my resume. I call my sister and tell her what happen. She’s shocked. I call my coworkers and tell them what happen. They are shocked. My whole world has been rocked.

The week goes by in a blur. I make plans to go visit my sister in NYC in a few weeks because what the fuck else am I going to do with my time. I continue to organize my new house and try to figure out how long I can live off my savings until I find a new job… or try to finally start my own business that I’ve been saying for a decade I would actually do.

Friday night rolls around and it’s the first time the kids will spend the night in my new place. I’ve worked all week trying to get their rooms organized enough where they won’t have to sleep in chaos. They manage to go down pretty quickly, and I just decide to watch TV alone in my living room, wondering what the fuck to do next.

Then I hear the WhatsApp notification.

Zombie: Hey beautiful, congrats on the house.

What fresh hell…. he’s unghosting me??

Me: Oh hey there stranger.

Zombie: How’s the new place?

Me: Oh it’s beautiful….. and I got fired on Monday.

Zombie:…. you did not. I am so sorry to hear that!

Me: Yeah well I think it’ll work out better in the end. Are you back in town?

Zombie: Yeah, just got back from Utah. I had the best time with my best friend! But I hate telling you that knowing your current situation…. I feel like an ass.

Me: Don’t feel bad for having a good time with your bestie because I’m having a shit time.

Zombie: Well, thanks but I still do. I think I need to make it up to you.

Me: Yeah? And what’s that look like?

Zombie: Well, how about starting with a hug and then deeply kissing you?

Me: Well, do you wanna come over?

Zombie: Tonight?!

Me: I mean, we’re clearly both awake. And I’m sorry I was a fucking basket case.

Zombie: Don’t apologize. I would love to see you. I’m sorry for just going silent. That was not fair to you.

Me: What happened?

Zombie: I’d rather explain in person….

So he comes over. He immediately starts kissing me and holding me tightly. I enjoy it for a moment then ask him what happened. He says that my whole situation was just too overwhelming for him. He didn’t know what to do and it was fucked up of him to just disappear and he was really sorry. I tell him that he can’t ghost me again. He says he won’t.

He’s concerned that there are kids in the house. I trained my children to sleep hard, and I just tell him that all parents have to fuck on the DL, we just need to keep quiet.

We go back to my room and can’t keep our hands off each other. We breathlessly tell one another that all we’ve been thinking about the past two weeks is fucking the other one, and as soon as we’re done with round 1, we lay there staring at the ceiling with goofy grins on both our faces. We talk about various other topics like his week skiing, my bullshit firing, and he hears me sing for the first time. He fills me in on his pregnant sister and how crazy his work has been lately. We drink wine and screw around some more. He tells me he wants to spend the night fucking me and have endless morning sex….. but I’ve got the kids.

Finally around 5 in the morning, he decides to leave. And 2 hours later, I’m woken up by my kids.

The next day he’s slated to see his best friend, but asks if he can see me Sunday or Monday. My sister has decided to come into town given how my life suddenly unraveled, so I’m occupied. We realized our schedules align for lunch on Thursday, so we make plans for that. Wednesday night rolls around and he tells me that his boss scheduled meetings back to back all day Thursday, so we’ll have to push to Friday. So that’s fine. We agree upon 11:30, and also agree to order in because we plan on being naked together the whole time. :::insert lots of witty sexual banter:::

Friday arrives. Around 10 AM, I text him to make sure 11:30 still works.

He reads it.

And looks at it.

And looks at it.

And looks at it.

And then, he’s gone.

His picture disappears. I send a text. One grey check mark. Sent, but not delivered.

I have been blocked.

Six weeks of talking, going out, sex, and general fun (8 weeks if you count the 2 weeks of silence) and he is gone. And not just gone. Blocked me on WhatsApp.

I text him from Hangouts, “did you just block me?! I thought we were cool now??”

I realize he’s also blocked me from IG… which like, I asked to follow him on several weeks back and he just never approved.

Fuck it hurts. It hurts SO MUCH. Why? Why did he do that? Why did he ghost, then reappear, and then disappear AGAIN?? And not just disappear, but BLOCK ME. What did I do wrong??

I feel erased.

I try SnapChatting him. He doesn’t approve my friend request. I deleted it after a day of being unanswered. A few weeks go by and I still think about him every day. I try FB messenger. But then I remember that I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really do FB, and it’s kinda wonky about letting strangers send you messages, so I delete that too.

Finally after a month, I unmatch from him on Bumble and Tinder. To my surprise, he didn’t do it to me, but I felt like I had to detach.

Two more weeks go by. I send another friend request via SnapChat. Never is approved.

I cry more over this weirdness than I did the demise of my divorce. I feel silly and stupid and wonder why this is so fucking painful. I wonder what I did to deserve this. Why I spooked him. Why I can’t stop thinking about him.

What the actual fuck.

I research online to try to provide some answers.

“What’s worse than ghosting? The new trend in online dating – zombies”

Holy fucking shit. That is totally what happened. He ghosted me, then came back from the dead, and now he’s gone again. But I still can’t get over that he BLOCKED ME.

“New cruel online dating move – cloaking. Pretending you never existed by blocking you on all your social media.”

I have a hard time accepting this. He was different. He made me feel things because he was empathetic and emotionally intelligent. I can’t wrap my brain around the fact that he would do something SO assinine and hurtful.

But it appears he did. And it appears I’ll never know why.

Outcomes:

2nd date: We saw each other several times

Sex: LOTS

Ghosting: Worse – Zombied and Cloaked.

Date file: The Zombie – Part 2

January/February 2019

So if you’ll recall, I had left my house under false pretenses of going to the drugstore to get something for my aching throat when in actuality I left to go fuck Zombie.

I wake up the next morning and instantly know I have strep.

Me: Please don’t hate me.

Him: Why would I hate you?!

Me: I gave you strep.

Him: nooooooooo. Well I haven’t had strep in years…. although we were going at it pretty hard and heavy last night.

The next day he has strep. The rest of the week is lost to us being ill. He gets a respiratory infection on top of the strep so he’s more of a mess than I am and ends up being sick well into the following week. We still chat the whole time and make each other hot and laugh, but we agree to rest and recover until we need it.

At the end of the following week, he tells me he’ll be going to Colorado to visit his family for his sister’s baby shower. He wants to see me before he leaves. I happily find an excuse to be gone for the evening from my house and make my way over to his apartment. It’s a mess (because he’s been so sick) and he apologizes. At least I know he has been legit sick this whole week plus the previous week. I have a problem trusting people, especially men, given how much they’ve lied to me in my life. But he’s still slightly congested and has other evidence of being under the weather.

We drink wine and fuck and watch TV and talk about whatever. Eventually I realize I need to go home and he tells me he’ll let me know when he arrived in Colorado, as he will be driving. He does so and then sends me pictures of him and his baby niece playing together, pictures of dinner he’s made, and just generally telling me about how awesome it was to be at the shower and watch his sister cry. It’s regular life and he’s charming and sweet and I feel more feelings that I’m unprepared to feel.

I ask when he’s going to be back and he says he’s going to stay a little longer because his other sister is ill and has asked their mom to watch the baby, so he’s going to stay and help out. Bummer, I was looking forward to him coming back. He asks what my schedule looks like because he’ll try to adjust his flight to work with my craziness.

Me: You’ll change your flight to see me?

Him: Yes! At least I’ll try to!

He ends up staying the whole week in Colorado. It sucks, but at the same time, I respect him wanting to help his family. During that time we keep chatting, and I confess that I really like him and that really freaks me out. He says he likes me too, and we can take things as slow as I need to given my situation.

Cue more feelings.

As February progresses, it’s getting closer to time for me to move out of my house. Which also means it’s almost time to tell our children that we are divorcing and mommy is moving to a different house. I confide in Zombie how I’m dreading it, and it’s totally overwhelming for me. He tries to be supportive, but after he returns from Colorado, he’s had to go into the office and has become less responsive. As my situation intensifies, he gets less responsive. Some days we don’t speak at all, but other days we text for hours.

The day before Valentines, we’re supposed to see each other. A kid I work with makes me a Valentine and I send him a picture of it. He says, “1) that’s adorable 2) back off, kid, that’s my hot mom.”

I kill time that evening waiting for him to tell me when he’s done with work… and the text never comes. At this point, I’m very frustrated. He’s become less responsive and I don’t know what’s going on. My life is spiraling out of control. We continue the rest of that week with very little communication and by the end of the weekend I call him out on pulling away.

He insists that he’s just been busy.

“Yeah ok, but I can see when you check my WhatsApp messages…. or worse, when I see you using the app, but you’re purposefully ignoring my messages.”

And he ignores that. I’m crushed.

The next day, I rally and say, “look, I know I sound clingy, and my life is just a big fucking mess right now, and if I didn’t fuck everything up beyond all repair, hit me up at the end of next week once I’ve moved in and you come back from your ski trip with your best friend.”

And I’m still met with silence. I think that I will never hear from him again, and I ran him off… I turned him into a ghost.

But apparently I was wrong….

Date file: The Zombie – Part 1

January 2019

After I came back from Colorado and I entered the new year, I started talking to a guy on Bumble. At the time I was working for a healthcare company, and as we were getting to know each other, we started talking about our jobs. He asked me how my day was.
Me: Ugh, I work in healthcare and it’s the beginning of a new year, which means new insurance plans, and none of this fucking insurances want to cover the services we provide.
Him: Hm, well this is awkward.
Me: Why?
Him: I write all of the insurance plans for XYZ Insurance Company for our state.

Cue awkward laughter.

He happens to be leaving to go out of town for a bachelor party trip, but says he wants to meet for drinks when he comes back. We continue to chat and he seems funny and charming. When he returns, we plan to go to a local gastropub after work. I have my contracting job that evening, so I figure if it goes poorly, I can always excuse myself to go do that.

It does not go poorly. It goes exceedingly well.

We have instant insane chemistry and laugh and drink and talk about a range of topics. We people watch and talk about our families and eventually I can tell he’s staring at my lips. I lean closer towards him and he kisses me.

Fireworks.

We keep drinking and chatting and occasionally going in for a kiss. I realize my time is slipping away and I need to sober up so I can do my job. He convinces me to cancel one of my client sessions, but I can’t cancel all of them. I managed to buy myself another 2 hours, and we fill it to the brink. He pays for our tab and offers to drive me to my car because I somehow managed to park on the opposite side of the earth. When we get to my car, I realize I still have about 20 minutes before I need to head home. I gleefully tell him I’m glad I get to make out with him more and go for another kiss.

Soon we are all over each other in the front seat of his car. He’s pulling down my panties and sliding his hand inside me. His lips are all over my neck and my hands find his erection through his jeans. I climb on top of him and we continue to make out heavily and finally pull away from each other to check the time.

Him: Holy shit.
Me: Yeah.
Him: You have to go, don’t you?
Me: Yeah.
Him: Ok, but when do I get to see you again?

So we talk some logistics and realize I can stop by the next day because I have to be out in the field for my day job near his apartment (he works from home).

On my way home he texts me: I was not expecting that. At all. I was not expecting you.

The next day, I do my day job duties and call him up to see if he’s ready for me to come by at lunchtime. He buzzes me up, and hardly before we can close the door we’re starting to rip each others’ clothes off.

And then I have the best sex of my life.

After two rounds, I tell him I have to go back to work. He walks me downstairs and kisses me goodbye. The rest of the afternoon is a blur. I feel high. We continue to text and sext for another several days.

He asks when he can take me to dinner. We managed to make a plan one of my “nights off” and I get ready. As I’m finishing my makeup I get a text.

Him: My best friend and his fiance just got into a car accident.
Me: What?! Are they ok?
Him: I don’t know… they’re being taken to a hospital. I am so, so sorry, but I’m going to have to raincheck tonight.

Well, damn.

He keeps chatting with me throughout the evening. I send him a picture of my oufit and he can’t be complimentary enough. I give myself a date night by going to a late night pedicure place (Which, why is that not more of a thing?! Brilliant business plan), and get tipsy on the free wine. We sext throughout the evening, and he keeps giving me updates on his friends. He continually profusely apologizes for the cancellation and says he wants to make it up to me.

Two nights later, my exHusband pulls an incredibly fucked up stunt. I won’t go into details, bc it’s a long story, but it makes me enraged enough that I text him and ask if I can come over.

Him: Right now?
Me: Yup, I’m fucking furious and don’t want to be here. I’d rather be with you.
Him: Yeah, come on!

I tell exHusband I’m running to the pharamcy because my throat hurts (true, but I don’t plan to come back). Then I take off for his place.

When I arrive we don’t even get our clothes off before we start fucking on his countertop in his kitchen. We decide to move to the bedroom and just as we’re about to resume, his phone rings.

Him: Fuck. I have to get this. I’m so sorry.

It’s his pregnant sister having a big ol’ pregnant lady meltdown. He calmly talks her away from the crazy edge and keeps mouthing to me that he’s sorry. I tell him it’s fine and start to blow him while he’s on the phone. He can barely keep it together.

Once he gets off the phone he apologizes again. I tell him not to… it’s hot that he cares that much about his sister that he would stop sex to make sure that she’s ok. Means he’s clearly got empathy and care for others over himself.

We only stop fucking after our bodies are too sore to continue. We lay in his bed and watch the Office and Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee and laugh while our bodies are entangled together.

He gets up, looks at me in the eyes in a different way and kisses me softly. A wave of unexpected emotion comes over me, and I make a face.

Him: What are you thinking?
Me: Hm?
Him: I see that face. What are you thinking?
Me: I just… haven’t been kissed like that in a very, very long time.

And then I think…. Oh fuck. What am I getting into?

Date file: In the Same Boat

July and December of 2018

I mentioned that in the beginning of my online dating experience, I wasn’t really interested in actual dating. Just talking to people in an effort to make my husband jealous (that backfired in my face – I mean, it made him enraged and only further made him want to separate). I was very frank with people – I’m just looking to talk to people, I want things to work out with my husband for the sake of our children. Most people were cool with this.

One day, I met another dude who was basically in the same boat. He wanted his relationship to work out … for the sake of his unborn twins. He was not married, but had been with his girlfriend for a couple years. He desperately wanted things to work out, but she cheated on him with a guy from her work and was now living with that guy while being 7 months pregnant.

So we agreed that we would be happy to support each other and just listen to each other when we were having a hard time. We texted often, and began to form a friendship.

After several weeks, he asked if I wanted to grab a drink. Purely in a platonic way. At this point, the soon-to-be-ex husband found out I was talking to people and started tracking my whereabouts and began to monitor my texts. I started talking to my new friend on my work phone and messaging him with WhatsApp to hide things. Eventually, I found a reason to leave the house alone and met up with my new friend. We grabbed a drink at a bar closer to his apartment, and just sat outside in the thick summer air and talked about our failing relationships. He flirted with me a couple times, but we kept things low key.

I am a very cheap date, so after one large beer, I already felt buzzed. I was using voice to text him to let him know what I was doing until I could drive home (I walked across the street to WalMart to pick up some school supplies for my kids). Just then, my soon-to-be-ex sends me a message on WhatsApp that made me aware that not only did he know who I was out with, he knew I had been drinking with him.

My blood ran cold.

I had no idea how I was going to handle this. I knew when I came home he would be livid.

That text sobered me up extremely quickly, and I drove home, and parked in the driveway for 20 minutes thinking about what I needed to do next. As soon as I opened the garage, out comes the soon-to-be-ex with middle fingers up in the air, screaming about me being a cheater.

Turns out he had figured out how to listen to all my Google voice to text and that’s how he knew what was going on. I turned that shit off immediately.

I don’t need to go into details of the rest of the night, but we argue, scream, cry, and eventually he believes me that I didn’t do anything inappropriate and I show him the receipt saying I had one beer. He leaves me alone, and I cry myself to sleep.

The next day, I make my friend aware of what happened. He tells me he can’t be involved with someone doing that type of crazy shit, and he’s sorry and wishes me the best of luck. I tell him I understand and I wish him and his future babies the best of luck too.

Fast forward 3 months.

I have now given up on my marriage. I text him:

Me: Hey stranger
Him: Hey whats up
Me: Well, things are finally over between me and Husband
Him: Good. Y’all needed to get away from each other.
Me: Yeah, I guess. I’m out right now. Come meet me for a drink.
Him: I just got home and I just moved all this weekend. I’m exhausted. But you can come here if you like.
Me: Ok sure.

So I go over to his apartment to hang out and catch up. I fill him in on what transpired over the past 3 months, and where I think we’re headed. Things never did work out with him and his baby-mama, so he has split custody of his twins. He tells me I need to sleep with someone. I tell him I doubt I’m ready for that. He insists it’ll make me feel better and more confident. I brush it off. We continue to watch Netflix and at some point we go out to get a quick bite to eat as he did just move into this place and he has no food. When we’re through eating, he takes all of my trash and suggests we watch a movie. I say sure. He starts the movie, and we’re making commentary on it, when suddenly he comes over to me and kisses me. He continues to kiss me harder and deeper and then starts putting his hand up my shirt. Before I know it, I’m half naked on top of him and his hand is inside my jeans. He’s hard and he tells me he wants to fuck me on his bed in the next room. I ask him if he has a condom.

No.

UGH.

We continue to fool around until we just can’t stand it anymore and agree that without a condom, I need to leave.

The whole way home I can’t stop thinking about his tongue in my mouth and his lips on my nipples. His fingers inside me.

The next day I tell him about how I can’t stop thinking about this, and this leads to hot sexting about what he wants to do to me and I tell him I’ll pick up condoms and plan to see him the next night when I’m out for book club.

I buy condoms. I go to book club. I text him while I’m at book club that I’m ready to fuck him and I have condoms.

I hear nothing.

Hm, odd.

So the next day, I text him again. He responds:

Him: Hey so… I need to tell you something. I’m actually already seeing someone.
Me: What? What do you mean?
Him: I’ve started seeing someone and it’s not super serious or anything, but I really like her and you just like… reappared and… I dunno. I shouldn’t be talking with you.
Me: Dude, you would totally have fucked me on Friday had we had the proper equipment.
Him: Yeah, I know, I was just…. really horny.
Me: Well it seems to me that you aren’t that serious about her if you’re willing to fuck me like that.
Him: Ugh…. well… yes…. I mean…. how about we fuck and see how it goes?
Me: Ok sure

So I’m thinking, he seems like a good bet for my first post-divorce fuck. I’ve known him for a while, I know his situation, and I like him as a person. So we compare schedules and find a time to meet up later in the week.

We keep the flirty sexting going for the next 24 hours or so… and then his responses seem to become less rapid, and more terse.

Eventually I tell him he’s getting cold feet

Him: I am not
Me: Pretty sure you are. You’re not responding as much
Him: I’m just busy.
Me: Ok, if you say so. You still wanna fuck me?
Him: Yes.

We continue to talk… another day goes by… and less responses. And then finally nothing.

No more talk. No more response. Simply nothing.

I joke about him ghosting me. He doesn’t respond. So finally I tell him I think it’s really shitty of him to lead me on like that and then just say nothing, especially as we had a bit of a friendship there for a while.

I still hear nothing. And I haven’t heard from him since.

Outcomes:
2nd date? No
Sex? No, but close
Ghosting? Yes

Ghosting

So here’s something that didn’t really happen 15 years ago… or if it did, it was a LOT harder to do.

Ghosting

Basically, you start talking to someone, you think everything is going ok, and then they suddenly disappear. Radio silence. They may as well have turned into a ghost.

This is not the same as something kind of running it’s course and no one puts forth the effort to keeping things going. No. This is when one party continues to reach out to the other and they simply get nothing. It’s like talking to brick wall. And it’s annoying AF.

Why do people ghost? Well, there’s a few reasons I think folks ghost:


1) Time – this might be for a variety of reasons. Work got stupid busy. They realized they don’t have time for a relationship (or whatever it is you guys were doing) and rather than just be like “hey, I’m swamped” they say nothing.


2) There’s someone else – they suffer from the “look, shiny!” syndrome. That’s not to say that you were not good at the time… it may be something else better came along. Just because someone offered me for spaghetti, which I like, and then said, “oh, or I could make you filet mignon” and I take that instead doesn’t mean I don’t like spaghetti anymore. I just like filet mignon better. But you’re not spaghetti, you’re a person, so fuck that a-hole if this is the case.


3) They’re freaked out – this could be positive or negative. Maybe you did something that set off alarms in their head and rather than risk the chance of offending you (and maybe making the situation worse), they just disappear. Or… and I think this is more rare, but I’m sure it happens …. things got too intense too fast and they became terrified of what that meant. So they disappear.

When I was like single, you couldn’t really do this. You’d run into them at some point, because people usually met either in person or via other people they knew. But in the age of the interwebs, I can meet people who have never crossed paths with me geographically or in my social circles. It’s more bizarre when I meet someone who also knows someone I know, and if I do, the relationship with that third party is rarely close. So in this day and age, it’s super easy to just fade into oblivious and never be heard from again. Just fade into the crowd. You could say it’s a form of leading on, which was definitely a thing when I was younger, but it was easier to call people out on it. If someone wants to ignore me all day now, they can, and pretty easily. Even when you know their IG, their SnapChat, their Facebook, LinkedIn, whatever…. they can just keep ignoring you. Which is frankly infuriating.

Have I done it? Yeah. Was it ok? No.

And honestly, when I’ve done it, it was mainly because I simply became uninterested after a while or they freaked me the fuck out. This is part of the reason that I’ve realized when dating in the online world, I need to strike while the iron is hot. Our attention spans seem to be getting smaller by the day, and men especially, seemed to suffer from Shiny Syndrome, so I need to find a way to meet them ASAP and determine if this possible relationship is something worth hanging onto or just letting it go. But I really do try not to ghost, because it’s the asshole thing to do. It hurts because it leaves us with so many questions. At least give people closure, especially if it looked like something really promising was happening. Because otherwise it’s incredibly hurtful.

You know what’s sad though? Ghosting isn’t even the worst thing you can do… you can be a zombie or cloak someone. Which hurts even more.