Date file: In the Same Boat

July and December of 2018

I mentioned that in the beginning of my online dating experience, I wasn’t really interested in actual dating. Just talking to people in an effort to make my husband jealous (that backfired in my face – I mean, it made him enraged and only further made him want to separate). I was very frank with people – I’m just looking to talk to people, I want things to work out with my husband for the sake of our children. Most people were cool with this.

One day, I met another dude who was basically in the same boat. He wanted his relationship to work out … for the sake of his unborn twins. He was not married, but had been with his girlfriend for a couple years. He desperately wanted things to work out, but she cheated on him with a guy from her work and was now living with that guy while being 7 months pregnant.

So we agreed that we would be happy to support each other and just listen to each other when we were having a hard time. We texted often, and began to form a friendship.

After several weeks, he asked if I wanted to grab a drink. Purely in a platonic way. At this point, the soon-to-be-ex husband found out I was talking to people and started tracking my whereabouts and began to monitor my texts. I started talking to my new friend on my work phone and messaging him with WhatsApp to hide things. Eventually, I found a reason to leave the house alone and met up with my new friend. We grabbed a drink at a bar closer to his apartment, and just sat outside in the thick summer air and talked about our failing relationships. He flirted with me a couple times, but we kept things low key.

I am a very cheap date, so after one large beer, I already felt buzzed. I was using voice to text him to let him know what I was doing until I could drive home (I walked across the street to WalMart to pick up some school supplies for my kids). Just then, my soon-to-be-ex sends me a message on WhatsApp that made me aware that not only did he know who I was out with, he knew I had been drinking with him.

My blood ran cold.

I had no idea how I was going to handle this. I knew when I came home he would be livid.

That text sobered me up extremely quickly, and I drove home, and parked in the driveway for 20 minutes thinking about what I needed to do next. As soon as I opened the garage, out comes the soon-to-be-ex with middle fingers up in the air, screaming about me being a cheater.

Turns out he had figured out how to listen to all my Google voice to text and that’s how he knew what was going on. I turned that shit off immediately.

I don’t need to go into details of the rest of the night, but we argue, scream, cry, and eventually he believes me that I didn’t do anything inappropriate and I show him the receipt saying I had one beer. He leaves me alone, and I cry myself to sleep.

The next day, I make my friend aware of what happened. He tells me he can’t be involved with someone doing that type of crazy shit, and he’s sorry and wishes me the best of luck. I tell him I understand and I wish him and his future babies the best of luck too.

Fast forward 3 months.

I have now given up on my marriage. I text him:

Me: Hey stranger
Him: Hey whats up
Me: Well, things are finally over between me and Husband
Him: Good. Y’all needed to get away from each other.
Me: Yeah, I guess. I’m out right now. Come meet me for a drink.
Him: I just got home and I just moved all this weekend. I’m exhausted. But you can come here if you like.
Me: Ok sure.

So I go over to his apartment to hang out and catch up. I fill him in on what transpired over the past 3 months, and where I think we’re headed. Things never did work out with him and his baby-mama, so he has split custody of his twins. He tells me I need to sleep with someone. I tell him I doubt I’m ready for that. He insists it’ll make me feel better and more confident. I brush it off. We continue to watch Netflix and at some point we go out to get a quick bite to eat as he did just move into this place and he has no food. When we’re through eating, he takes all of my trash and suggests we watch a movie. I say sure. He starts the movie, and we’re making commentary on it, when suddenly he comes over to me and kisses me. He continues to kiss me harder and deeper and then starts putting his hand up my shirt. Before I know it, I’m half naked on top of him and his hand is inside my jeans. He’s hard and he tells me he wants to fuck me on his bed in the next room. I ask him if he has a condom.

No.

UGH.

We continue to fool around until we just can’t stand it anymore and agree that without a condom, I need to leave.

The whole way home I can’t stop thinking about his tongue in my mouth and his lips on my nipples. His fingers inside me.

The next day I tell him about how I can’t stop thinking about this, and this leads to hot sexting about what he wants to do to me and I tell him I’ll pick up condoms and plan to see him the next night when I’m out for book club.

I buy condoms. I go to book club. I text him while I’m at book club that I’m ready to fuck him and I have condoms.

I hear nothing.

Hm, odd.

So the next day, I text him again. He responds:

Him: Hey so… I need to tell you something. I’m actually already seeing someone.
Me: What? What do you mean?
Him: I’ve started seeing someone and it’s not super serious or anything, but I really like her and you just like… reappared and… I dunno. I shouldn’t be talking with you.
Me: Dude, you would totally have fucked me on Friday had we had the proper equipment.
Him: Yeah, I know, I was just…. really horny.
Me: Well it seems to me that you aren’t that serious about her if you’re willing to fuck me like that.
Him: Ugh…. well… yes…. I mean…. how about we fuck and see how it goes?
Me: Ok sure

So I’m thinking, he seems like a good bet for my first post-divorce fuck. I’ve known him for a while, I know his situation, and I like him as a person. So we compare schedules and find a time to meet up later in the week.

We keep the flirty sexting going for the next 24 hours or so… and then his responses seem to become less rapid, and more terse.

Eventually I tell him he’s getting cold feet

Him: I am not
Me: Pretty sure you are. You’re not responding as much
Him: I’m just busy.
Me: Ok, if you say so. You still wanna fuck me?
Him: Yes.

We continue to talk… another day goes by… and less responses. And then finally nothing.

No more talk. No more response. Simply nothing.

I joke about him ghosting me. He doesn’t respond. So finally I tell him I think it’s really shitty of him to lead me on like that and then just say nothing, especially as we had a bit of a friendship there for a while.

I still hear nothing. And I haven’t heard from him since.

Outcomes:
2nd date? No
Sex? No, but close
Ghosting? Yes

Date file: The First One (Twinkie)

July 2018

When I first started on this adventure, I was not yet divorced. I wasn’t even separated. My husband and I had been having problems for a long while, and he was verbally abusive. He told me that I was fat and unattractive, and I wouldn’t be able to find anyone. So to make him jealous (stupid on my part), I decided to get on Bumble. I was very conservative in my approach, and didn’t provide a ton of info. I put up modest photos of me that looked good and started talking to people. I was very honest – my husband wants a divorce, I don’t, but he thinks I can’t find people to talk to and I think he’s a moron. To my surprise, most guys were really cool with it. They didn’t try anything too sexual (harmless flirting), and were generally really kind. Finally one of them asked if I’d be willing to meet for lunch, as we worked near each other. We had been talking for about a week, and he seemed nice and non-threatening, so I agreed. I mean, what was the worst that could happen at lunch?

Well…. it wasn’t terrible, but it was awkward. First awkwardness – we literally showed up in the same outfit. Grey pants, and a white button down with black shoes.

FML. He will now be dubbed “Twinkie”

He was very sweet, bought my lunch, and we talked about things we liked and had in common… which was very little. He revealed to me at that date that he was a dad. I’m not sure why he waited to tell me until we were there in person, but he did. His daughter was much older than my kids – he had her very early in life. We talked a little bit about our jobs and our education. He had very little education (he had some college if I remember correctly) and had risen through the ranks at his alcohol distribution company. I spoke about my job and his eyes seemed to glaze over a little. I had to thoroughly explain some words I used. He lived WAY outside of the city in a relatively redneck community, but grew up in my suburb and had no desire to live there. He asked me how I was doing with my first date in 15 years and I held back tears. At this point I very much was not ready to give up on my marriage. He was kind, and complimented my looks. At the end, we hugged awkwardly, and then returned to our work places. About 10 minutes later he texted me:

Him: So how’d that go?
Me: I think it went alright. What do you think?
Him: uh… you’re a little intimidating.
Me: I am? Oh, I’m sorry. What did I do?
Him: Let’s just say you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.

So my brain scared you. Cool.

But for a first date, I’m glad it was with a nice guy. And he didn’t try any sexy stuff, which given where I (very clearly) said I was in my marriage/divorce, I was totally not ready for and thankful he respected my boundaries.

Outcomes:
2nd date? No
Sex? No
Ghosting? No

Ghosting

So here’s something that didn’t really happen 15 years ago… or if it did, it was a LOT harder to do.

Ghosting

Basically, you start talking to someone, you think everything is going ok, and then they suddenly disappear. Radio silence. They may as well have turned into a ghost.

This is not the same as something kind of running it’s course and no one puts forth the effort to keeping things going. No. This is when one party continues to reach out to the other and they simply get nothing. It’s like talking to brick wall. And it’s annoying AF.

Why do people ghost? Well, there’s a few reasons I think folks ghost:


1) Time – this might be for a variety of reasons. Work got stupid busy. They realized they don’t have time for a relationship (or whatever it is you guys were doing) and rather than just be like “hey, I’m swamped” they say nothing.


2) There’s someone else – they suffer from the “look, shiny!” syndrome. That’s not to say that you were not good at the time… it may be something else better came along. Just because someone offered me for spaghetti, which I like, and then said, “oh, or I could make you filet mignon” and I take that instead doesn’t mean I don’t like spaghetti anymore. I just like filet mignon better. But you’re not spaghetti, you’re a person, so fuck that a-hole if this is the case.


3) They’re freaked out – this could be positive or negative. Maybe you did something that set off alarms in their head and rather than risk the chance of offending you (and maybe making the situation worse), they just disappear. Or… and I think this is more rare, but I’m sure it happens …. things got too intense too fast and they became terrified of what that meant. So they disappear.

When I was like single, you couldn’t really do this. You’d run into them at some point, because people usually met either in person or via other people they knew. But in the age of the interwebs, I can meet people who have never crossed paths with me geographically or in my social circles. It’s more bizarre when I meet someone who also knows someone I know, and if I do, the relationship with that third party is rarely close. So in this day and age, it’s super easy to just fade into oblivious and never be heard from again. Just fade into the crowd. You could say it’s a form of leading on, which was definitely a thing when I was younger, but it was easier to call people out on it. If someone wants to ignore me all day now, they can, and pretty easily. Even when you know their IG, their SnapChat, their Facebook, LinkedIn, whatever…. they can just keep ignoring you. Which is frankly infuriating.

Have I done it? Yeah. Was it ok? No.

And honestly, when I’ve done it, it was mainly because I simply became uninterested after a while or they freaked me the fuck out. This is part of the reason that I’ve realized when dating in the online world, I need to strike while the iron is hot. Our attention spans seem to be getting smaller by the day, and men especially, seemed to suffer from Shiny Syndrome, so I need to find a way to meet them ASAP and determine if this possible relationship is something worth hanging onto or just letting it go. But I really do try not to ghost, because it’s the asshole thing to do. It hurts because it leaves us with so many questions. At least give people closure, especially if it looked like something really promising was happening. Because otherwise it’s incredibly hurtful.

You know what’s sad though? Ghosting isn’t even the worst thing you can do… you can be a zombie or cloak someone. Which hurts even more.

Dating Apps – Pick your shitty poison

I have not paid for any dating apps or websites. Because I’m cheap AF (kids are expensive, ok?!). So I downloaded the ones that I thought might be acceptable. I knew enough from younger coworkers that Plenty of Fish (PoF) was just the lowest of the low. I wasn’t even about to fuck with that one. I consulted Google for “best dating apps of 2019” and settled on three: Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

I started with Hinge only because Hinge apparently has the reputation of attracting a higher calibur of men (I do have a master’s degree…. education snob, party of one). In this app, you can select a specific picture or piece of info they share that you like, and you can even comment on it (e.g. “Oh that’s the BEST karaoke song.” “You look great in that tux!”). Additionally, either person can start the conversation if you both like each other. For the most part, I would agree that I got less creepers on there than the other apps; however, unless you do the paid version, you only get a certain number of likes per day. So that kinda sucked. Also, it told me ALL men that liked me, not just the ones that I liked first. So there were a lot of times that I would get a notification of, “John likes you! See if you like him too!” only to see that John was not my type at all, and I would just unmatch, meaning John would never get a chance to talk to me, but he also clearly knew that I wasn’t interested. On the flip side, that hot rocket scientist clearly didn’t think I was a hot commodity either, as I never heard from him….

So anyway, Hinge was ok. Less creepers, but also less matches. However, I think the matches I did get were some of the best ones. Quality, not quantity, amiright?

Now for Bumble. The female-friendliest major dating app. So basically it’s the whole swipe left for no, swipe right for yes, dating thing, and when you get a match, it’s the woman’s job to start the convo. I am super extroverted, so no big for me. The thing I also really like about Bumble is that you can fill out some basic demographic information like height, political affiliation, religion, level of education, etc. Obviously the person filling it out is in charge of what they put, and some people put next to nothing, but I can also filter through these. For example, I’m pretty tall for a woman, and I love high heels so after going on a few date with like-heighted people, I realized I NEEDED my men to be at least 6 ft tall. So I put a filter on there saying I only wanted to see men who were 6 feet and over. Also, I am extreme liberal (in case you couldn’t tell), so making sure I filtered out the hardcore conservatives was nice to be able to do. The other category they have on there that I found useful was basically what the hell the person is wanting out of this app. Are you just looking for some fun, casual sex? Are you looking for your soul-mate? Yes, you could put that in your description, or you can just check the damn box they give you. That’s another way I could filter out men depending on what I was looking for (hey, sometimes I just wanted some hot sex with a young, good-looking dude. When the casual sex got old, I could filter out some of the ONS only guys). So yeah, liked the filters a LOT. Still got some overtly creepy dudes, but for the most part, those filters helped me know what I was potentially getting into. Also, you can send photos in their app, which is nice if you’re trying to be visually flirtatious without giving out your Snap, number, IG, or whatever.

And then, the granddaddy of app dating, Tinder. I also lovingly call it the Tinderverse, and alternative universe where seemingly normal humans act like total hedonistic crazies. Not to say I haven’t taken advantage of that (hello, on vacation and single!), but this is not the place I would put my money to find my next serious relationship. Hot sex, sure. Mostly total horndogs who would rather skip the whole drinks or coffee thing and just go straight to the bedroom. Which again, NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT if that’s what you’re looking for. Things I don’t like about Tinder… oh God, where to begin… you can’t really filter by any type of information. People can makeup pretty much whatever they want and use whatever images they want (I see you, penis disguised as a drawing). I’ve seen everything on there from men being earnest in trying to find the next love of their life to Cookie Monster trying to get a date.

No really. The blue puppet with a bio that say “me like cookies.” I’m tellin’ ya, anything flies.

Also, I don’t like that you can’t exchange photos of any kind. In Bumble, when you exchange a photo, it’s blurred out until you click on it. So if you’re afraid it’s an unsolicited dick pic, don’t open it. There’s no option for anything on Tinder. So it’s either take a risk and give them more personal information, or don’t do any additional photo sharing. Additionally, the Tinderverse is MUCH more diverse than the other apps, I’m guessing because it’s the most well known? So there are more…. men of a lower status on there. I don’t know how to say that without sound judgey and horrible, so I’m just gonna put it out there. So lots of guys that from the looks of things do not have their shit together in any shape or fashion. Again as a mom, a business woman, and someone with education, I have a certain level of expectations for my mate, and there’s just more men that I personally wouldn’t choose on there. You can judge that from what they do (or don’t) write on their bios, the pics they choose to share, whatever. There’s just more of them. Ex: by the time I had been on Tinder for 2 weeks, it notified me that I had FIVE THOUSAND likes. 5,000. What the what? I didn’t even know there where that many single men in my area, much less ones that wanted to bang me.

So, all in all, I think if I had to pick the lesser of the evils, Bumble is my go to choice. If Hinge had more users, I might be inclined to pick that, but I often run out of options quickly there. Additionally, these all have options where you can pay for more features like more filters or bumping up your visibility in your area. But I’m cheap, so I don’t pay for those. And right now, I’m still just exploring my options, so I’m not especially goal oriented in my search.

If there’s another super awesome app out there, lmk! And for free, bc remember, I gotta feed these kids.

MILFs are a VERY REAL THING

When my ex-husband dropped the bomb that he wanted a divorce, my first thought was, “no one will ever want a mom of three kids.” Emotionally, physically… no one will want me.

BOY, WAS I WRONG.

As a mom, we often lose our sexiness. We are the person who fixes boo-boos, picks up toys, sings lullabies, makes dinner, washes dishes, etc., etc. We are sleep deprived and if we still have sex, it’s usually because the husband has asked for it because Lord knows we are too fucking exhausted for it. And when you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years… a relationship that has been crumbling for a long time especially… the likelihood that you feel sexy in any possible way is slim to none.

So even if I kept my mom status on the DL, I didn’t think I was sexy. But because being a mom is such a huge part of who I am, I made sure to put it out there very clearly. Because the last thing I need is to fall for someone who wants nothing to do with children.

Imagine my surprise when not only did men not mind that I was a mom… they thought it was FUCKING HOT.

“What’s up, MILF?”

‘Scuse me, what? Are you talking to me??

Y’all. It’s a thing. A VERY REAL THING. I just thought it was some stupid thing in American Pie. I’m here to tell you, fellow moms, that men across America think that MILFs are where It. Is. At. Especially the young ones. I’m comfortably in my mid-thirties (more on sex in your 30’s compared to younger years later), and I had to beat the 20-somethings off with a stick. I shit you not. Eventually I found myself drawing my line at 10 years my junior because anything younger than that an I felt like a pedo.

The younger men find us mysterious, sexy, and I feel sure subconsciously more nurturing than our spawn-less counterparts. If we are a mom, most of the time that also means we are older, which draws in the whole cougar thing. And cougars are hot because they are EXPERIENCED. Because as I told one guy who was not quite as cool with my mom status, “where you think I got them babies from, son? The stork didn’t bring ’em!”

As one 27 well-hung gentleman said, “Moms are the best. They know what they want and they have snacks.”

Yes. Yes, we do.

I’d like to bend you over my countertop

Online dating is interesting. You both know why you’re there. Sex, minimally. A relationship where you spend the rest of your time together on this planet, maximally. And I say sex is the minimum because let’s be real: if you think about the spectrum of relationships with zero being “we’re only here to satisfy our animalistic urges” and 100 being “we’re hear to find our lobster,” I think casual sex is zero. Even if you’re not one to do the “casual sex” thing, if you plan on dating someone, you eventually plan on fucking them, amiright? So yeah, that’s where I get that scale of measurement.

Back in the day, our online interactions typically started out with “a/s/l.” If you don’t know what that means, you’re probably not old enough to really appreciate this blog. Get TF out.

Anywho, starting out a conversation online can be awkward. Some people think that a simple “hi” is too boring. “If you just say, “hi,” I’ll unmatch.” (except without the punctuation, bc no one cares about that shit). The pressure is on to make a good first impression. But, bc I’m a member of the IDGAF camp, I typically just do a simple, casual salutation last most normal humans would have when interacting with people IRL.

Hi, how’s it going? (insert demure smiley emoji here)

Happy Friday! Any fun plans for the weekend?

Hey, did you do anything fun this weekend?

Etc…..

Sometimes, if I’m particularly interested in a person, I’ll reference something in their profile or something about their looks

Hey there, handsome. How’s your day?

Wow you have beautiful eyes! (insert heart eyed emoji)

Hey! I love to karaoke too!! Where do you normally go?

But it’s been my experience… especially on Tinder, as the men can message me first, that they are a bit more forward. Very rarely do I get a simple hello. Below are real life beginnings of conversations (as in literally the first thing they say to me) from the Tinderverse:

Hey so are we meeting up soon?

You look like trouble

Wanna come hang out?

Here for a good time MILF?

You have some really sexy feet.

HOLY HOT!!! Wanna take a test to see how naughty you are??

Sex?

And then my personal favorite….

Hey there! I’d like to bend you over my countertop and take you from behind

Lord Jesus. Help me. And I’m not even religious.

The thing I would love to know from these men is how often do they actually get women with these lines? Do they work? Are they keeping track of how often they work? When they don’t work, what do they think is going on?

Now, to be fair, many, MANY men start out with simple, normal greetings. But like I said, the dating universe has a normal bell curve distribution of how people interact with each other, including the beginning of the interaction. Let me do you a solid, fellas. I’m here to tel ya, there ain’t nothin wrong or boring about you simply saying hello. If you want to compliment me on my looks (or better yet, my sparkling personality bc that means you actually READ about me!), then do so in a charming, not creepy, way. If I eventually decide I’m into you, we can have a discussion about you tagging me on your countertop then. Bc it’s not that I don’t like that…. just don’t lead with that line.

Welcome to the Shit Show of Online Dating

Hi there! I’m the Sexy Suburb Mom. I’m recently divorced after a 15 year relationship, and I have three kids elementary aged and younger. I live near a major US city, in an upper-middle class suburb with excellent schools and amazing parks and rec system. I’m on the PTA, I work, I have a dog, and I’m having casual sex with people for the first time in my adult life. I also curse. A lot. So get fucking used to it.

When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 years old. I had had sex before meeting him with a few guys in college and high school, but was still in a very adolescent mindset. Lots of emotions being mixed up in sex and lots of social taboos influencing me and my choices (and my partners’ choices). Well since then, I’ve gone to college, and graduate school, the world has loosened up a bit in regards to sexuality, and honestly, IDGAF. Because I’m an adult and I do what I want.

So join me on this fucked up shit-show known as online dating. Back in my day, online dating was for losers and sexual deviants. Now, it’s the norm. And let me tell you, there is definitely a normal bell-curve distribution (oh yeah, I’m also a HUGE nerd), for the level of weirdness in the online dating world. I’ve only been on the scene for about 4 months, and I already have more stories than I know what do to with, so I started this blog, bc someone should be able to laugh at my pain. Enjoy.