Look at my dead fish

Ok guys, let’s have a discussion about your dating profile pictures.

So. Many. Problems.

I’m going to list a few problems that I notice, in no particular order, of things that seem to be prolific in the online dating profiles.

  1. Dead fish – wtf, guys. I know you are super proud of your “big catch.” It is not a metaphor for you being able to catch women. It’s just you with a big dead fish. IDGAF about it. If you’re using that to impress people, we women folk do not care. Maybe other dudes out there think your ability to catch a fish is fuckin’ sweet, but I’m pretty sure you’re trying to get WOMEN. So stop with all those goddamn dead fish.
  2. Dead deer – see above. Apply to deer.
  3. Nothing but group photos – ESPECIALLY as the first one. I do not want to have to dig through all your photos to try to figure out who the same face is in all the photos. Automatic swipe left if you make me work too hard to figure out what you fucking look like.
  4. Gym selfies – you just look like a douche, man. I’d rather you put a hot pic of yourself in a nice suit or if you HAVE to show some skin, you out at the pool with friends or something.
  5. Only photos with you wearing sunglasses/hats – Your eyes are super important. If I can’t see them, that’s going to vastly impact how hot I think you are (or not). Also, if you only post pictures of you in hats/your head covered, I’m going to assume you’re hiding your balding head. Swipe left (not because bald, bc you are insecure about it).
  6. You getting shitfaced – bc I’m a grown ass woman, and posting drunk pictures of yourself stopped being cool in 2005. Sorry you missed that memo.
  7. Golfing – I don’t care about your alignment or your golf swing or any of that shit. Your body is contorted so I can’t really tell what’s going on anyway. If you really want me to know you like golf, put it in your profile blurb.
  8. Landscapes… without you in them – so you went on vacation recently. Cool story, bro. But if I really want to see a picture of a sunset, I’ll Google that shit. I want to see YOU.
  9. One picture only – especially if it’s only of your chest. Or worst, something other random-ass picture that has nothing to do with your physical appearance.
  10. Pictures with no smiles – bc I don’t want to go out with Debbie Downers. It doesn’t make you look cool, it just makes you look like an asshole.

So please don’t do these things. Please primarily post pics of you smiling, alone, in a variety of settings, some of which include a full body shot, and don’t have your eyes or head totally obscured. If you’re a decent looking dude, and you’re not getting great matches, it may just be because your pics suck. You don’t suck, but we’re visual, and if your pictures are garbage, girls are gonna think you’re garbage too. Right, wrong, or indifferent.

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