Date file: the Lumberjack

December 2018

After my divorce had finalized, I decided to take a trip with my children to Colorado. It’s a special place for us, and they hadn’t sen real snow. I also went along with my father and step mother.

We only went for a few days, and prior to going, I started chatting with someone on Bumble who I would later dub the Lumberjack. This is because he had a thick blonde beard, and when I first started talking to him, he was on his family’s ranch out in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. One day, he sent me a picture of him chopping wood… ……shirtless. He looked like fucking Adonis. But he never shows his face. Odd. I call him out on it.

Me: Why no face?
Lumberjack: I had a crazy ex who tried to use all our sexting pictures to blackmail me. I’m very cautious with showing my face now.
Me: But you have a Bumble?
Lumberjack: Yes, but I don’t show any other body parts except my face.
Me: Hmm, what’s your last name.
Lumberjack: Peters
Me: ::::after my best internet stalking::: you don’t do any social media?
Lumberjack: Nope. I’m telling you, crazy ex.

So I’m cautious, but we continue to chat for the remainder of his trip to see his family, and very quickly our exchanges went from casual “so what do you like to do for fun?” to “what’s your favorite position?”

Right as he was set to come back to the city, I was going to be traveling up to CO. We decide to switch over to SnapChat as I have virtually no reception when I go to CO. Plus, now we could start exchanging hotter pictures knowing the other one couldn’t do anything with them.

Holy shit did that dude have some sexting game.

We had steamy conversations night after night, making each other cum over the interwebs. A day or two before leaving to come back home, he asked me if I had been seeing anyone regularly in the city. I told him I hadn’t. He said that he would like to “audition for the role” if I would be willing to do so.

I had been very clear up to that point that I was only looking for fun, casual sex as I didn’t think I could handle any type of real relationship. So I was a little surprised that he was asking me out on a legitmate date, but I was quite flattered because he was gorgeous and I really did enjoy talking to him (even outside of the hot sexting).

We started planning out night out. What day/time was best… always left it up to me as I had children and a complicated living situation. We agreed to a night out. I came back home, and then suddenly he stopped responding. The night of our planned date came and went and I heard nothing, so I didn’t bother to show up. At this point we had talked for almost 3 weeks and it just puttered out a few days before.

What the fuck?

Then the next day, he hits me up on SnapChat

Lumberjack:Hey
Me: Oh, hey. Where have you been?
Lumberjack: I had to go to Seattle for work
Me: Ok, why didn’t you tell me?
Lumberjack: I’m really sorry, it was just last minute. I know I missed our date.
Me: Yeah, you did.
Lumberjack: I still really want to take you out.
Me: You do, huh.
Lumberjack: Yes.
Me: And what’s the percent chance I will actually see you?
Lumberjack: 95% chance – like, giant asteroid will have to hit the earth to prevent me from seeing you. Does Friday work?

So I hesistantly agree. At this point, I’ve started talking to someone else (who eventually fucks me over, hard), so I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m cautiouly optomistic.

We continue to chat, not quite as heavily as we did before… and then as Friday gets closer, he becomes more and more distant.

And then Friday comes… and there’s no communication. I look for him on Bumble, and realize he unmatched me. Not deleted the app – unmatched me . I do not go on our date.

And I never hear from him again.

Fast forward to March.

I decide I’m going to start doing IG. I know I’m late to the party, so fuck off. Anyhow, it recommends people I should follow based on my contact list. Lo and behold, there’s Lumberjack. He’s posted a few things (one picture he had sent to me), but there’s less than 5 photos.

I look at the people he’s following on IG. There’s only about 10 – one of them happens to be a blonde bearded dude in Italy. And I realize those are all the pictures he used for his Bumble account. The ones he sent to me personally were on his IG, but they were not of his face. Only his body.

So who knows. Maybe he was totally full of shit. Maybe he used that dude’s face because they sorta looked alike but he didn’t have to put his own face out there.

But I stil haven’t heard from him, and I have no idea what happened.

Outcomes:
2nd date? No, not even a first date!
Sex? No
Ghosting? Yes

Note: the pictures at the stop are Snapchat, one of which he actually posted to his IG. So… I’mma keep believing that smokehouse wanted in my pants at least for a little while.

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