I’m the kinda girl who kisses (and more) on the first date

Y’all. Being an adult rocks. In case you are younger and thinking, “I don’t want to adult!”…..

Yes, child, yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.

Yeah, adulting includes alarm clocks, and bills, and chores. But you know what, it also includes doing whatever TF you want and as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, power to ya. Including giving zero fucks about what others think about your sexual partners – who they are or how many there are or what you’re doing with them.

When you’re younger, it’s pretty damn easy for word to get around about who’s “easy” and who’s not. Your dating pool is pretty much restricted to your school or your extra curricular activities, and those are pretty small populations in the grand scheme of things. And people can’t keep their damn traps shut about other peoples’ business.

But as an adult? No one fucking cares. And there are SO MANY of us… unless you are still picking your sex partners from your small group of friends (which, awkward, don’t do that), the likelihood of people knowing who you are or aren’t hooking up with is slim to none.

Here’s the other thing, folks: as an adult (and especially as a parent), I do not have time to fuck around (literally and figuratively) with people who are bad at sex. I will give you two tries. Because fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

I kid!

Kinda.

But seriously, maybe the first time you have jitters or you weren’t psyched up appropriately for it or whatever. Unless it is just TRULY terrible, I’ll give you another shot.

But if we go for another attempt and you still can’t get your Johnson to get up to bat…. sorry, bub, thanks for playing, best of luck to you.

Because here’s the thing – I don’t want to get heavily emotionally invested in someone who can’t crank my motor. So I wanna know from the get-go if we’re sexually compatible.

Now, to be fair, my ex-husband was a virgin when we met (WHICH HE LIED ABOUT! More on that later…), and we ended up being fine, for the most part. I never had a problem, he never had a problem, and if we did, it was just an off day, not an off component of us as a couple.

But as someone older, who knows what she wants, I ain’t got time to be teaching you how to make me scream. You can start out as average, even kinda weak, but if you can’t improve your game over time, let’s not drag this out. Because whether our sexually repressive society wants to admit it or not, sex is a HUGE part of successful relationships and they’re an important part to the human existence.

So if you get laid on our first date, that doesn’t make you a stud, or make me easy – I’m just practical, and I know I wanna take a test drive before I buy.

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