Date file: Breaking my post-divorce virginity (Eager Beaver)

December 2018

We divorced using a mediator. We went in on a Saturday, and awkwardly and painfully disentangled our lives for hours until it was finally done. She was going to submit a copy to the courts, and we would be divorced before the end of the years. 15 years of life undone in less than a weekend.

I had finally thrown in the towel on my marriage about a month prior to this, but I had not wanted to engage with anyone physically until everything was finished with us. After the mediation was done, I figured I was ready. I’m a “rip off the band-aid” type of person.

So I found a young, eager guy (we shall dub him Eager Beaver or EB for short) who was also not looking for anything substantial. He was going to be leaving for a contract work position on the other side of the country in the new year, so he had no room for anything real. EB started out our conversation by sending me a GIF of Jessica Alba throwing back some covers with a “come here” finger signal. It made me laugh. Very quickly we exchanged SnapChats and he started sending me (unsolicited) dick pics pretty quickly. He had a good body and seemed smart. I decided I could at least meet up with him and make out.

At this point, I had already had the “no sex because we didn’t have a condom” fail with the guy who was in the same boat as me. I figured, “I’m a grown-ass woman. I can buy my own damn condoms.”

So I did.

Because EB was also about to move out of the state, he had moved out of his apartment and was temporarily living with his parents about 40 minutes from the city. Uh, fuck that noise. I’m not driving out there and I’m not going to some dude’s parents’ house. Weird. So we agreed to meet up and just drink wine somewhere with plans to make out. We originally though we’d be able to go to park or something, but the weather turned nasty, so we just decided to meet up and drink in his car. Like teenagers.

WTF-ever, man.

He was nervous as fuck. I could have cared less. I filled him in on my story and he politely listened. Eventually I got tipsy and thought, “well, it’s now or never” and kissed him. Eventually the front seat got awkward, so we moved to the back. He was very paranoid that someone would see us. I laughed at him and told him to chill TF out. Eventually we’re both naked, and I ask him if he has a condom.

No. Of course he doesn’t.

PSA FOR MEN: If you’re meeting up with lady, go ahead and bring condoms. The worst that will happen is you are over prepared and you’ll have a set of blueballs. END OF PSA.

So after naked fooling around for a bit, I finally say, “well…. I might have a condom.”

EB stops. “What?”

“Yeah. I might have bought some.”

“That’s like the best news I’ve heard. Yay for prepared moms!”


So he puts it on and slides into me. I wonder if I’m going to cry, or get overly emotional because this is the first new penis I’ve had in me in 15 years. But to my surprise, none of that happens. It just feels good.

And then suddenly it’s over.

What the hell, EB?! I climax pretty quickly and easily and you’re done before it’s hardly begun? What a let down.

He apologizes, he just says it was so hot for him (it’s ok, and you’re welcome?). He says he wants to see me again. I say that’s fine. We both get dressed and go home.

When I arrive home, Husband comes to me and says, “You know, I’ve been thinking – what would we need to do make things work out between the two of us?”

I sit still, stunned. I just slept for someone else for the first time in 15 years. I begged you for months – years, really – to go to counseling with me and make our marriage a priority, and NOW you want to work on things?????

“No, Husband. That ship has sailed. I’m sorry.”

And he goes back to his bedroom, and I cry.

The guy I slept with contacts me a few extra times, but the timing is always bad (and let’s be honest, the sex was ok at best), so I don’t try to force anything. The new year comes and goes, and he moves out of state. And that’s the last we try to contact each other.

2nd date? No
Sex? Yes
Ghosting? No – just faded out mutually.

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