I’m a Safety Girl


Ladies, if there’s one thing on this fucked up journey I’ve learned it’s that men are ill-prepared. Really, in life, but especially when it comes to sex.

You’d think that as the more overtly sexual of our genders, they’d up their game a little in this department but it has been SHOCKING to me how few of them have condoms on their person. Like, some of them seem to have the executive functioning to think, “hey, I like sex, and I’d like to fuck this woman, and I’d like to keep my dick functional, so I’ll make sure I have the proper equipment to do all that.”

NOPE.

Big ol’ nope. Sure, there are those who think they did a good job by keeping them in their car (aw, honey, you’re cute, but those extreme temperatures damage the condom so…. that’s a major false sense of security). But even if they DO have them in the damn car, they LEAVE THEM THERE. If you’re coming into my house, and you plan on fucking me, are you gonna stop once you’re already buck-ass neked and trek out to your vehicle to get that little piece of latex???

No, son. No.

So ladies, let me be the one to tell you: don’t you EVER depend on a man for nothin’, ESPECIALLY when it comes to your sexual health.

Put on your big girl panties, get ye to the local drug store, and buy the damn condoms yourself. Hell, we already carry around bags that contain other things we stick in our underwear or stick up our hoo-has. Just put the condoms right next to those tampons and pads.

I organize my purse into smaller bags. My medicine bag, my business receipt bag, my basic makeup bag, my extra makeup bag (what, I need darker shadow if I go out after work and don’t want to run home, don’t judge me), and my vagina bag. Things I need for my vagina, which include tampons and condoms. And a small thing of lube (bc why not).

So don’t be embarrassed to buy those suckers. Find the ones you likes (or hell, the ones that make the most sense economically), and stick em in your purse next to your other unmentionables you’re already carrying around. No one needs to know. But at least you’re covering your bases and protecting your health.

Also, side note to the men folk: if your penis is ANYTHING other than average (and you know who you are… you little guys and you big ones…) YOU better up your condom game. I aint got time to figure out if your dick is too big (ugh, this is choking my cock!) or too little (uh… it keeps falling off….) for the condoms I purchase. I don’t want to be spending extra money on the off-chance that a dude is two standard deviations above or below the penis-mean. So if you are outside the range of “normal,” you better get your house in order.

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