I’d like to bend you over my countertop

Online dating is interesting. You both know why you’re there. Sex, minimally. A relationship where you spend the rest of your time together on this planet, maximally. And I say sex is the minimum because let’s be real: if you think about the spectrum of relationships with zero being “we’re only here to satisfy our animalistic urges” and 100 being “we’re hear to find our lobster,” I think casual sex is zero. Even if you’re not one to do the “casual sex” thing, if you plan on dating someone, you eventually plan on fucking them, amiright? So yeah, that’s where I get that scale of measurement.

Back in the day, our online interactions typically started out with “a/s/l.” If you don’t know what that means, you’re probably not old enough to really appreciate this blog. Get TF out.

Anywho, starting out a conversation online can be awkward. Some people think that a simple “hi” is too boring. “If you just say, “hi,” I’ll unmatch.” (except without the punctuation, bc no one cares about that shit). The pressure is on to make a good first impression. But, bc I’m a member of the IDGAF camp, I typically just do a simple, casual salutation last most normal humans would have when interacting with people IRL.

Hi, how’s it going? (insert demure smiley emoji here)

Happy Friday! Any fun plans for the weekend?

Hey, did you do anything fun this weekend?

Etc…..

Sometimes, if I’m particularly interested in a person, I’ll reference something in their profile or something about their looks

Hey there, handsome. How’s your day?

Wow you have beautiful eyes! (insert heart eyed emoji)

Hey! I love to karaoke too!! Where do you normally go?

But it’s been my experience… especially on Tinder, as the men can message me first, that they are a bit more forward. Very rarely do I get a simple hello. Below are real life beginnings of conversations (as in literally the first thing they say to me) from the Tinderverse:

Hey so are we meeting up soon?

You look like trouble

Wanna come hang out?

Here for a good time MILF?

You have some really sexy feet.

HOLY HOT!!! Wanna take a test to see how naughty you are??

Sex?

And then my personal favorite….

Hey there! I’d like to bend you over my countertop and take you from behind

Lord Jesus. Help me. And I’m not even religious.

The thing I would love to know from these men is how often do they actually get women with these lines? Do they work? Are they keeping track of how often they work? When they don’t work, what do they think is going on?

Now, to be fair, many, MANY men start out with simple, normal greetings. But like I said, the dating universe has a normal bell curve distribution of how people interact with each other, including the beginning of the interaction. Let me do you a solid, fellas. I’m here to tel ya, there ain’t nothin wrong or boring about you simply saying hello. If you want to compliment me on my looks (or better yet, my sparkling personality bc that means you actually READ about me!), then do so in a charming, not creepy, way. If I eventually decide I’m into you, we can have a discussion about you tagging me on your countertop then. Bc it’s not that I don’t like that…. just don’t lead with that line.

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